I don't know how many already know, but I've been working on coping with my depressive attacks for years. Accompanied by a total loss of my self-esteem and my drive, it is a challenge to write, especially with a small child, only when you have the time. I can't wait for inspiration or motivation to hit my head with a hammer. My child doesn't care that I have the biggest idea of my life right now. She stands nagging next to me and wants my attention. Or worse, it suddenly becomes very quiet in the apartment and I dash off in search of the horrific chaos that she is about to start. You get paranoid as a parent.
If the day goes well, I have two to three hours in which I can write in her afternoon nap. In the evenings I have about as much time again when my husband brings her into bed. And then I sit. Staring at the screen. Head empty. Eyes tired. And turn on YouTube.
Starting when you have to is not easy for everyone. For me it is not. Regardless of whether it is the desire to just do something relaxing after a stressful morning, laziness or fear of just putting nonsense on paper. I can't describe how it feels when my head screams: START and my body doesn't respond. When every movement feels like I'm carrying sixty kilos on my limbs.
So what to do?
Often times my only option is to outsmart myself. I am slowly beginning to cope with my self-doubts. I have received advice from many other writers not to worry about writing the first vision. The main thing is that words are written on the sheet and the story is finished. Everything else can be changed afterwards. That helped me so much that I lost my fear of the blank sheet more and more.
But sometimes I idle around for hours without actually starting anything because I can't decide what I want to do. Write my own story? Beta reading for someone? Work on my homepage? Write a review? I'm honest, I usually end up on Twitter. To prevent this, I started to make work plans. For each day it is decided what I will do. The things are not set in stone and if something important is pending, I also swap tasks. But I no longer have the excuse that I can't decide what's up. By planning, I know that everything gets the same amount of attention. And that time is planned for it on other days.
So now I know what to do. Very well.
But I still don't start writing.
Starting to write is often my biggest problem. It's when I worry the most. Will I just write nonsense? Do people like my writing? Do i like what i write? To prevent this from happening, I found the solution for myself to start with writing sprints. Means that I set a timer and during this time I just start writing. And at the end I count the words and see how far I've come. The sprints are usually no longer than 15 or 20 minutes and can even be shorter. The important thing is that I noticed that it works for me when the timer starts. The pressure builds up to write something now and so I just start. When I have a day that is going well. I just keep writing after the second sprint until my daughter wakes up or I notice that I'm getting tired. If it's not my day, I'll stop after the third sprint. Then I put words on paper and I can turn to other things with a clear conscience.
So it is above all important to know yourself. To know what makes you tick and to admit to yourself where you are sabotaging yourself. And then work against it. You have to find things that work for you. What others say can only be taken as a suggestion. Not everything will work the same way for everyone. But I'm pretty sure anyone can find tricks to outsmart themselves in order to get what we want.
Do not be discouraged. Try it out. And find the right path for yourself.
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